A Little More Info, plus a Bit of a Rant......

A good day for the most part yesterday, afebrile. I researched chemo and fever and came up with something I had not heard of before - chemo itself can illicit flu-like symptoms without a white cell drop (neutropenia) and of those chemo patients experiencing fever, a definite source of infection is found in only about half.

This is interesting for several reasons: (1) Even before I researched this, I told my cousin yesterday that I felt the fever was somehow directly related to the chemo, because ordinarily if I have ever in my life had even the slightest fever, I remember always feeling miserable - with this fever I didn't feel sick at all and that made no sense to me. My skin hurt a little, but 102 fever and no feeling of sickness? Weird. (2) Again, no information from any of my docs that this could happen....and in fact, not even one word about the possibility of neutropenia and its consequences. I only knew because of the experience I had years ago with my mother.

Before anyone gets huffy about my comparison of California vs. Michigan medicine, let me make one point perfectly clear, unfortunately, they all have one thing in common, they keep the patient in the dark most of the time. I have had to do all my own research on chemotherapy, diet and exercise, and now the possible side effects of chemo.

Not one doc has yet told me anything about my left arm being at risk for lymphedema. If I weren't a lymphatic therapist, I would have no idea. The most said, and only by my surgeon in MI and also my surgeon here, is that they didn't want me to do "too many" exercise repetitions with my left arm - that's it, nothing more...shocking! I have not probed deeper on this topic, because for my own "research" purposes, I want to know what information is given the typical patient. (None of them know my background - that I have worked for years with cancer patients, that I am a CancerGuide, a lymphatic therapist and have developed my own movement and laughter program for cancer survivors.)

I also found it sad and pathetic that I had to bat lab techs and nurses away from my left arm the other night at Stanford - they were determined to draw blood, start IV's or take BP's from it. I feel like having "DO NOT EVEN THINK OF TOUCHING THIS ARM" tattooed on it (of course, I will leave the tattooing only for my eyebrow which also are falling out fast!)

I can only say working with cancers survivors and being one are two completely different things. Perhaps this is what I needed in order to be truly effective and therapeutic in my approach.

Today was the day....

Sorry to report the power of wheatgrass juice was unable to save me from the hair loss...and I was so hoping it would. As I was combing my wet hair after my shower this morning, I noticed a massive amount of hair in my comb, so I carefully diffused it dry and let the curls takeover. Several times I put my hand to my head and pulled out a fistful of hair - it wasn't my imagination, it was the real thing. My hair was truly going.

I think the most difficult thing for me throughout this entire process so far has been wrapping my mind around the idea that there is actually something wrong with me - me, who according to my ex, is as "healthy as a horse". I can't remember my last fever or the last time I vomited. I was never sick for a minute during my pregnancies....I'm the person who takes care of everyone else. This is not a role I am comfortable playing, but one I am trying to graciously adapt to; however, when my cousin tried to feed me ice during my adriamycin today, I let out a big, "No way!"

It's bedtime here in California and it's been a big day. Chemo took more like three hours, rather than one and a half, because my IV infiltrated. I volunteered myself and my cousin to cater her daughter's Halloween party Friday night, so there was shopping to do after chemo.

And then we decided in addition to our two hours of personal training every week, we should sign up for the roll and stretch class every Wednesday evening which means every other Wednesday it will follow chemo. I was concerned I might not feel well, but other than my chemo headache, some sweats and a little shaking, all went well. The rolling and stretching took my mind off imagining other possible symptoms, but I gotta say, especially to those who know Laughter Yoga, I would much rather laugh through the painful rolls, rather than just breathe. Which gave me a good idea...I want to include a similar class when I open my cancer retreat in Bloomfield Hills called, "Rolling with Laughter!"

If I remember correctly, it was in "The Secret" I read, in order to truly believe and think positively, one's affirmation must contain no negatives of any kind. Thinking to myself, "I hope I won't be sick tonight", won't cut it. "I will be well tonight", will.....and I will be!

Good Night Hugs and Kisses to All!

Time for another Chemical Cocktail......

I am doing something I vowed for the past 20 years I would never do, take any form of chemotherapy. For maybe the first two weeks after my diagnosis I was pretty much convinced that I would not allow anyone come close to me with chemo.....and now I am ready for round two.

Although the depression I suffered following my divorce 7 years ago had greatly improved ever since I began laughing, it still had a way of taking control, so initially the thought of cancer sounded like an easy way out for me. At the time, I really didn't care whether I lived or died - I just wanted all of "this" to be over, but that would have been way too easy.

Suddenly life had handed me a major challenge and it didn't take me long to realize, despite my former feelings about chemo, that I needed to put my full faith and trust into the medical profession. What I also realized is that I did want to live....and not just live, but live better than I had in a very long time.

So, here I am outside of San Francisco surrounded by everything I need to realize that. This is not the end by any means, but the beginning of a very new and wonderful life.

I still am not convinced that chemo is the only way to go, but at this time, I can't argue with research statistics - Chemo #2, here I come!

A Walk on the Green Side - I am in California, right?

I will elaborate on the benefits of raw, living food more later, but let me say, I saw firsthand many years ago after my mother went to Hippocrates Clinic in San Diego what a positive effect consuming raw foods can have on a body. My mother had polio at age two and her life from that point on was a continual whirlwind of doctors, surgeries and medications. Never had I seen my mother with rosy cheeks.....and I can still see her face as I saw it then, glowing, radiant and full of life after three weeks of raw foods, along with a shot of wheatgrass juice every day. Regardless of all the negative comments you might hear or read online, I know what I saw was actual. http://therawchallenge.com/content/view/23/46/

So, these days I walk a little more than half a mile from here for my wheatgrass "fix", one ounce of green, liquid "gold". That along with a 24 oz. glass of fresh beet, carrot, apple, celery, and ginger is my breakfast each morning, something I started about a week before my first chemo. I feel great!

I am trying to stay primarily raw, but hot veggie soup has been calling me lately. I figure if I drink my fresh veggies every morning that should do it for the day.

Hair today, gone tomorrow......

A lumpectomy followed in Michigan August 22 without complication. The surprising thing about all of that was none of it really hurt. The idea of having many needles of various sizes stuck into my breast was not a welcome thought. Had I known beforehand, I would have been even more resistant - it was a good thing to not know.

After much deliberation, I called my cousin in Redwood City, CA to ask if I could live in her cottage behind her home while I went through chemo, etc. Leaving home was difficult, but not having anyone with me during this ordeal would have been even worse.

So, here I am! The photo below was taken from behind the cottage; the one above is of my little living room. It's cute and cozy - a safe haven while I make my way through all of this.

Chemo, 4 cycles of Adriamycin and Cytoxan and another 4 cycles of Taxol, began Oct 15. My oncologist promised complete hair loss 2-3 days after my second treatment which is this Wed....I am prepared. The wig is ordered, my hair is cut, but no fall-out yet! Maybe it's the wheatgrass juice I have been having every morning!

From the Beginning....

Birmingham, MI, late July 2008.....The nagging, painful ache encompassing my left ribcage had reached such a point that I thought perhaps if my fingers traveled over the area, I could find the source of this discomfort....and I did. Under my fingers at the edge of my left breast was a well-defined, firm mass...or was it just my imagination?

It had to be my imagination, because I certainly didn't have time for anything else. In fact, I had not even had time for a mammogram in more than four years. Yeah, yeah, I know, where was my head, what kind of nurse am I? My mother had had a miserable existence during her 17-year battle with breast cancer, died at age 59, exactly my current age. I knew the statistics, knew I was at the highest risk for developing it myself, but stubbornly and stupidly I chose to follow my own path and ignore it all. My divorce had been brutal, my depression severe...I didn't care and despite knowing everything I should do for my health, did nothing.

Initially I tried to convince myself I had felt nothing, because we all know what we ignore will go away....not! I checked in on it several times a day - it was going nowhere and in fact, seemed to have a smaller companion right next to it. At least three weeks must have passed before I was convinced it was real and summoned the courage to call my doc. I learned that when you mention "lump", things move very quickly.

August 12 I had my exam, August 13, a mammogram, ultrasound and subsequent biopsy and the following day the phone call no woman ever wants to receive, "Sue, I am so sorry. You have ductal carcinoma." My head was throbbing, my ears were burning and my chest was aching worse than ever. My younger daughter (the one responsible for setting up this blog for me) was sitting next to me and if she hadn't been, I know I would have boohooed longer and louder.

An Apple a Day...

I thought I would post some interesting quotes on health and well-being, most of which of course celebrate a well-rounded health and natural healing. I think the bottom line is that deep healing comes from within oneself, not just from without. I thought you might like the one Irish proverb especially because it talks about laughter!

I love you!

"Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity."
~World Health Organization, 1948

"He who takes medicine and neglects to diet wastes the skill of his doctors."
~Chinese Proverb

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book."
~Irish Proverb

"Fresh air impoverishes the doctor."
~Danish Proverb

Meditation Exercise No. 1

From the Relax Deck: "Reaching Your Goal"

"By setting achievable goals, we can avert the stress of failure and bring the joy of success within our grasp.

Visualize yourself at the bottom of a staircase; now, carefully mount the first step, pausing to steady yourself if you feel apprehensive; then slowly but surely, make your way to the top.

You have reached your goal--you feel elated and fulfilled. Now open your eyes and resolve to take your first real step up that staircase today."